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Crumpets Are The Food of Gods

by The E.A.T. Team

Crumpets are my favorite food.  In the whole world.  Hands down.  It’s no secret that I love food and there are countless edible things in the world that bring me to obscene states of joy, but I can say without a hint of doubt that crumpets are my favorite.

Why?  You might ask.  And before that, you might even be wondering what exactly a crumpet is.

What is a crumpet?

Firstly, let me tell you that although a crumpet is a thing of simple joy, it cannot be described simply, nor can it be simply described.  They are things of true magnificence and beauty. You must try one firsthand to get it.  But I will attempt, in vain, to describe it to you.

Usually I like to start off by having the crumpet virgin imagine an english muffin–a crumpet looks quite similar in shape, size and color.  But that’s where the likeness ends.  Though english muffins are wonderful entities in their own right, scientifically speaking, they haven’t got shit on crumpets.

Crumpets, unlike english muffins, do not get cut in half.  On the top half, you have a series of holes covering the surface about 1mm in diameter and running almost all the way down to the bottom.  In its natural, un-toasted state, a crumpet is like a thick sponge.  Which sounds gross, and probably is, but chill out.. we haven’t gotten to the good part.

Here’s Wikipedia’s puny attempt at explaining the glory:

“A crumpet /ˈkrʌmpɨt/ is a savoury griddle cake made from flour and yeast. It is eaten mainly in the United Kingdom and other nations of the Commonwealth. Crumpets are somewhat similar in appearance, though not in flavour, to North American pancakes, where both have pores caused by expanding air bubbles.”

 

The art of toasting a crumpet.

A crumpet must be treated with respect.  He or she will know what a prize you hold in your hands, and will demand to be handled delicately and with consideration.

1. First, insert your crumpet gently into the toaster, careful not to break, squish, or damage your food-jewel.

2. Next, check the heat settings to ensure your crumpet’s safety.  Now turn that shit to the highest possible setting because your crumpet is a big, thick, squishy monster which needs to be taught who’s boss.

3. Remove crumpet from toaster.  Observe that, even after a full intensity toasting, your crumpet is not yet ready to harvest.  Is the upper surface crusty?  Is your crumpet steaming?  Is the bottom golden brown?  No, I didn’t think so.

4. Re-insert your crumpet into the toaster to ensure that your upper surface is crusty.  Remain alert: if you don’t watch carefully, the edges will burn.  This is the crucial moment.  This is where you and your crumpet either make it or break it.  BE VIGILANT!

5. Remove crumpet.  Observe and quality check to ensure that your crumpet is finally toasted to perfection.

6. Allow crumpet to cool for 30-60 seconds to allow hardening of upper crust.

Now, you’re ready for the spread.

Topping a crumpet

Topping choice is an extremely important decision in the life of your crumpet eating experience.  What you choose says a lot about your inherent value as a person (or what mood you’re in).  A topping is a vital component to your breakfast of champions–even considering eating a dry crumpet gets you a life sentence in jail.

The beauty of the topping-crumpet duo is the way they seep into the holes: filling the inner squishy bit with flavor and things that clog your arteries, providing the perfect balance to the crispy upper and lower exteriors.  The toppings burst out of the crevices with each bite, filling your mouth with pure bliss.

Following are my list of top toppings.

Butter: A wonderful solo topping, but also an absolutely necessary base layer to accompany any other topping.  Don’t mess with margarine, low-fat, canola oil, or any of that sissy stuff.  Slather it up and slather it on.  Your crumpet will thank you.

Jam: For a sweet treat and cool, refreshing accompaniment of a steamy crumpet.  I prefer strawberry with bits.

Cheese: Watch in amazement as it seeps into the crevices, filling them with gooey warm goodness.  Die and go to heaven.

Honey: All-time favorite crumpet topping.  Sweet gooey honey with salty butter, oozing out the bottom and sides.

Good options also include chocolate, smooth peanut butter, nutella, fruit, fried egg, chilli, cream cheese, vegemite.

Deluxe crumpeteering options also exist, such as:

Snickers Crumpet: Alternate 1 layer chocolate/nutella with 1 layer smooth peanut butter.  Repeat 4 times.

French Crumpet: Dip crumpet in french toast batter and fry.

Savoring and enjoying a crumpet

Eating and enjoying the perfect crumpet is as individual and personal an experience as a first kiss.  You’ll remember it, always.  Don’t forget to pair it with a nice hot cup of english tea and enjoy!

 


17 Comments »

  1. Thomas Rowbotham says:

    I love a crumpet!
    Once I dipped one in egg and chilli flakes, fried it, and put bacon on top. Life-changing..

    • The E.A.T. Team says:

      Love it.. that is a seriously hearty crumpet!

  2. Jess says:

    You forgot Vegemite!!!

  3. Nathan says:

    one time Zoe and I made Garlic butter crumpets. if you get famous from stealing that idea, i wouldn’t be surprised..

    • The E.A.T. Team says:

      Mm, sounds heavenly. I might have to try that this week..

  4. [...] think of anything better than lounging and working and waking up in a real bed and drinking tea and eating a crumpet.  On Thursday, I’m looking forward to getting back out in the world again and interviewing [...]

  5. HH. says:

    at Easter ,Witsun and Christmas, the supermarket here has Blinis (funny name for crumpets),
    I as an English woman living in Holland miss the English crumpets a lot, as it is Easter this coming weekend, tomorrow I’ll be off to supermarket and I’ll get 2 packets of Blinis !
    do you think I could freeze them ? because then I could get some more .
    happy Easter !

  6. Mel says:

    My favorite sweet and savory crumpet: chunky peanut butter, jam (I like apricot), and a crispy slice of bacon.

  7. farid says:

    What brand of crumpets do you recommend? Or do you have any recipe? I found a couple on you tube and will tey one of it this weekend..

  8. Jono says:

    Try peanut butter…yummmmmmmmm!

  9. Clarice says:

    Just fixed them this morning and I know what my life has been missing! So Good!!!! I used honey butter on it and it was to die for!

  10. Eloise says:

    I’m making my own crumpets for Mother’s Day and was searching the interwebs for inspiration as to what to serve with them and I stumbled across your lovely blog.

    Thank you for caring so much about crumpets, and for spreading the good word. I’ve never met anyone who felt as passionately as I do about these wonderful squishy mouthfuls of glory. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you. xo

  11. hen says:

    you people don’t know how lucky you are,
    to be able to eat crumpets,
    I live in Holland ………….no crumpets anywere!

  12. Claire says:

    Thank you so much. We are Americans who bought crumpets at a local store and had to idea how to properly dress them. My sister was in the process of getting ready to cut hers in half when you demanded we shouldn’t. Thank you for saving our crumpets

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